A Barbeque Too Far
by enVii
Summary: Seven cardinal sins... one short alchemist... the promise of a barbeque... The gang embark on an arduous journey but will they reach Roy's tall house in time? Not if the imported horned weasels and occupational therapists have anything to do with it!
1. The Beach

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA…or any other characters that pop up randomly.

**Beach**

"#$!" said Envy. The homunculi had decided to spend the day at the beach to get tanned for Roy's barbeque on Sunday. "We've been here for five bloody hours and we don't look any damn different!" he yelled. " I guess being a homunculus does have its downsides..."

"Not really," said Edward, who had also been there for five hours. "I've also been here for five hours and I haven't gotten tanned either."

"Well," added Lust, "maybe that's because you lathered yourself in sunscreen – and you're sitting in the shade, you retard!"

Edward turned to glare at her, "Oh shut up Lust, no one likes you!" he said.

"What are you talking about?" she asked, with those little angry marks on her face, "Everyone likes me, right guys?"

Silence…and cicadas

"Gluttony!" she screeched.

…more silence…

"Fine! I've had enough of you idiots anyway!" Lust said, starting to walk away. "…well, isn't someone going to call me to come back?"

another long silence

"There's something I don't quite understand…" mused Pride, "just why exactly do we need to be tanned for a barbeque anyway?"

"Not just **a**barbeque – **Roy's** barbeque!" said Greed.

Pride sweat-dropped. "Oh, well that just explains everything, doesn't it? And what's your problem Envy, can't you just make yourself look tanned?" he asked.

"Well if you're so damn smart why don't YOU write this stupid story?" yelled Envy.

"What? You're writing this Envy? That doesn't make any sense…" said a rightly (for once) confused Greed.

"Oi oi, I'm writing this, I decide what makes sense and what doesn't – oh look, a unicorn!" said Envy.

After everyone had had a good look at the unicorn, Pride said, "I can't write the story, my secretary has taken the day off."

"She's right here with us, stupid!" said Greed.

"But I haven't finished my sandcastle…" Sloth said, with watery eyes.

"Uh, something's just occurred to me…" said Wrath, reluctantly.

"Huh, what?" Sloth asked him.

"Well, if Envy and Pride are both here… who's running the country?"

Envy and Pride looked at each other, neither willing to give in. "Scissors Paper Rock?" Pride suggested.

"No way!" Envy shouted, "You'll cheat with your stupid eye… besides, its obvious you should be the one to go, that's what Dante made you for!"

"She wanted me to be Fuehrer because she likes me best – so if I want a break, you have to fill in – that's all you are: the back up plan!" Pride taunted.

"Nah-uh, she likes me best! I'm her bloody son damnit!" said Envy.

"Heh, more like her daughter…" scoffed Pride.

"WHAT WAS THAT?" yelled Envy, about to explode.

"Nothing…"

"Oh, that's all right then," said Envy, "but yeah! She likes me best!"

"Mama's boy!" said Pride.

"Baka yaro!" yelled Envy.

"What did he say?" asked everyone else in unison.

"Uncultured fools…" Envy mumbled.

"Hey calm down you guys," said Edward, somewhat worried about being at the beach with a bunch of angry killing-machines, "does it really matter if Roy takes over for one day?"

"Hell yeah!" answered Greed, "if he takes charge, he'll have everyone dressing like Envy!"

Envy was confused. "What do you mean dressing like me?"

"In miniskirts…" laughed Greed.

…Greed was never heard from again… nah! Just kidding, but Envy did beat him up pretty bad.

"I don't think it's fair that Envy is writing this… it results in a lot of pain on my part…" said Greed, still reeling from his "lesson". "And he gets to edit it! What happened to the part where I –"

This story is experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by.

Yes, so where were we? Ah yes, it was getting dark, and Gluttony had almost finished eating the entire beach.

"I guess we'd better start heading back…" said Wrath.

"Wrath! I'm disgusted!" exclaimed Envy. "Taking responsibility… what we should be doing is getting drunk and wreaking havoc on the city!"

"Envy's right for once," Greed added.

"Ooooh no…" said Wrath, backing off, "the last time you guys got drunk I was tied up and stuffed in a suitcase to be sent to the North Pole with a letter to Santa!"

"We did nothing of the sort!" Greed insisted.

"Yes we did actually," corrected Envy.

"Oh yeah," said Greed, "you didn't even give him our list, did you? We never got those roller skates…"

"That's because you spelt North Pole with a scribble and a smiley face," explained Wrath.

"That's right," said Lust, who never actually got around to leaving," and your idea of wreaking havoc on the city was where you just woke everyone up by driving around late at night singing the Hokey Pokey really badly through a megaphone!"

"We do not sing badly!" yelled Greed and Envy, who each burst into tears.

"So can we go now?" asked Wrath.

"There's just one problem," Sloth pointed out.

Gluttony had completely devoured the whole beach except for the very area where they were all standing.

"We're…s-stuck," said Edward, "on…an…ISLAND!"

Ooooooooooooh! My first chapter done! Please review but don't be too mean… (Envy is actually sensitive)

From enVii :) (who loves everyone…)


	2. Now the Island!

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA or any other characters that randomly pop up 

Island 

"Nooooooooo!" yelled Lust, "every time a bunch of characters get stuck on an island together things turn out really badly!"

"Not to mention its soooo cliché," added Sloth.

"Do you have a better idea?" Envy screeched.

"Actually its fine with me," Sloth said, "I can just turn myself into water and get away!" And with those words, she was gone.

"Well, one down…" said Greed.

Everyone did that huge dramatic sigh thingy.

At this point, everyone was getting really tired and grouchy, especially Edward who unlike the others, actually needed sleep and food to survive.

"Great – so what do we do now?" he asked.

"Anyone for Celebrity Heads?" offered Pride.

"Nah," said Lust, "there's no point when Envy's playing…"

"That's such a childish bloody suggestion anyway!" said Envy.

"Well what do you suggest then 'Almighty Envy'?" said Pride.

…………………………………………………………………

(An hour later…)

"Eating! Eye! Long Fingernails! insert skill here! Carbon! Being Pretty!

We're the deadly sins – you can be one too,

'Cos failing human alchemy is the thing to do!

Killing innocent humans, is the way,

Here's what Colonel Mustang, has to say!"

"The power is YOURS!"

"Oh yeah – I turned into Roy at the exact right time, this time! I usually forget my cue…" laughed Envy.

"Yeah… sorry Edward, that's why it took so long…" explained Greed.

"How could you forget your cue?" demanded Edward, "it went for less than a minute!"

"I have a small attention sp- LOOK! A ladybird!" said Envy.

No one sweat-dropped, they were used to Envy 

"Okay," said Wrath, "how do we get off this island?"

"Don't worry," said Pride, "all we have to do is-"

Envy interrupted. "We'll have to split up into pairs to cover more ground!"

"First of all," Lust started, "this 'island' is the size of a swimming pool! There's no more ground to cover! Second, there's seven of us, since Sloth's gone and Edward's here, which means we can't split into pairs, and third, YOU'RE AN IDIOT! Why should we listen to you?"

"Because…" said Envy, "First of all, I'm the oldest! Second, Dante, who rules you all like the pathetic drones you are, is my mother and third, my hair is really damn nice!"

"He's got us there," admitted the others.

"So," Envy continued, "Lust, you go with Gluttony. Greed, you're with Pride."

"NOOOOOOOO!" cried Pride.

"So Shrimp, Wrath, you're coming with me," Envy declared.

They gulped… loudly.

When Envy had ensured each group had gotten as far away from each other as possible, he explained why he had chosen them.

"What do you two have that the others don't?" he asked them.

They looked at each other. "Uhh, we're both short?" guessed Wrath.

"I AM NOT SO SHORT THAT MY IDEA OF A SPACIOUS APARTMENT IS A MATCHBOX!" Edward screamed.

"SHUT UP YOU IDIOTS! YOU'RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE!" yelled Envy, "And yes you are by the way, Shrimp! But no, damnit! Alchemy! You can both do alchemy!"

"So… what do you want? Painkillers?" asked Edward.

"NO! I want a really big ship! One with those huge sails, and a pirate flag, and a ghost crew, and a giant steering wheel thing with 'ENVY' engraved in gold letters, and-"

Edward and Wrath ignored him and made a little canoe.

"Fine, that'll do… aren't you gonna make yourselves one?" Envy asked.

Edward and Wrath sighed. "Alright, alright…"

"No wait I've changed my mind," said Envy.

"REALLY?" they asked, knowing it would be really tiring to make another one.

"What can I say? I'm feeling generous," said Envy, "oh, and you didn't expect me to row for myself, did you?"

They sighed again.

…………………………………………………………….

(Half an hour later, still rowing…)

"Row row row ya boat, gently down the stream! Mer-"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" cried the two scarred rowers, as Envy reached the high note.

"Hey look!" exclaimed Envy, " I see land!"

"Really?" asked Wrath, turning his head to see.

"HEY! Turn back around! Don't slow down your rowing…" Envy snarled. "But… what's that sign?"

"How would we know? You won't even let us turn around!" yelled Edward.

"Oh yeah, and less talk too! You're slowing down!" roared Envy.

"But we're tired…" Wrath whimpered.

"What did I just say? Hey, I can almost read the sign…It says….an….anime…no!"

"WHAT IS IT?" Edward and Wrath shouted.

"…a…an….ANIME CONVENTION!"

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Whooopeee! Chapter 2 up and running! Envii is proud… and btw, SPECIAL THANKS to my good friends Mr Greed, Pride, Lust, Wrath, and Roy!

Special thanks also to my other fellow sins and characters but I'll only write your names when you help me with my happy story. May Namu look down upon you briefly…


	3. Anime Convention

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA or any of the other characters that randomly pop up…

Anime Convention 

As they arrived on shore, all three proceeded to cry.

"We'll never make it out alive!" sobbed Wrath.

Edward looked around. There was no mistaking it; it was definitely an anime convention. Even having read the sign that read "Anime Convention", Edward just knew that this was some sort of convention… most likely an anime convention… he could sense it.

"Can't we just go around it?" he asked in desperation.

"It would never work…" explained Envy, slowly regaining his composure.

All of a sudden, Wrath stopped crying. "Umm, guys? What exactly is so bad about an anime convention anyway?"

The others gasped.

Envy felt it was his duty to explain… he also just liked talking. "You see Wrath, no one really likes you, however, the Shrimp and I, particularly the latter, are ridiculously famous and loved by the ignorant masses. They go crazy over books and T-shirts of us, what do you think would happen if we just turned up at a convention?"

Wrath thought for a moment. "They'd ask you why you wear the miniskirt?"

"No! After that damnit!" Envy yelled. "-I mean it's not a miniskirt! We'd be torn apart by frenzied fan girls – that's what!"

"Yeah… whatever you say…" sniggered Wrath.

"WHAT WAS THAT?" yelled Envy.

"Nothing…"

"Oh, that's all right then," Envy said.

"So what's the plan then?" asked Edward.

Envy, being the oldest, felt special having the responsibility of coming up with the plan, yet sadly he couldn't concentrate as he had the Mexican Hat Dance song stuck in his head.

"It's risky…" he said, "but I think I have an idea…"

The idea was that they dress up as other anime characters, so they wouldn't stand out among everyone else at the convention. The idea itself was not sooo bad, and when Wrath asked why they couldn't just act like they were only dressed up as the characters they really were, Envy explained that no one ever really does a good job when it comes to cosplay, and even if the fan girls did believe that it wasn't really them, they would tear them apart anyway because of the incredible likeness… maybe it would have been easier if I had just written out what they had said like the rest of the story…. but meh. Anyway, the bad part of the idea, was who they dressed up as.

They stepped into the building, Edward dressed as Yugi (because he's so short), Wrath dressed as Envy (i.e. just wearing Envy's headband), and Envy dressed as Sailor Moon (he did the whole transformation complete with the music and pretty backgrounds too… don't ask).

"WOW!" Wrath was shocked to see so many people dressed up (badly) as him and his fellow sins. There were even Edwards but it was really obvious that they weren't him because no one is that short in real life.

"C'mon, we've gotta find an exit…" said Envy. (BIG MISTAKE!)

"That voice," whispered someone in the crowd. "IT'S ENVY!" At that moment everyone turned and looked, mouths wide open. They were cornered.

"IT IS HIM!" screamed an obsessed fangirl.

"Uhh, no it isn't?" said Edward in desperation.

"Get out of the way, Shorty!" yelled one of them, as the crowd started closing in on the three.

"I AM NOT SO SHORT THAT I DIDN'T EVEN QUALIFY TO BE A JOCKEY!" screamed Edward.

Everyone took a closer look. "IT'S EDWARD TOO!"

"We're in real trouble now," Envy stated the obvious a lot.

"And I'm Wrath!" cried Wrath.

"Yeah, whatever," said someone in the crowd.

Wrath cried loudly. That gave Edward an idea. "That gave me an idea!" he yelled. He clapped his hands together and created a door in the wall. "Come on!" he told the others.

They all scrambled through just in time before Edward changed the door back into an ordinary wall. It had been close but they weren't out of the woods yet. In fact they hadn't even reached any woods yet. You don't just find woods all over the place you know. They ran for their lives until they were finally a few steps away.

"I don't get it," said Envy. "How did Wrath's crying give you that idea anyway?"

"Well," Edward answered, "whenever Wrath starts crying I feel like calling 'the gate' to get him!"

"But you didn't make a gate, dumbass, you made a door," said Envy.

"Yeah but the version of FMA I saw had bad subtitles," replied Edward.

Wrath was 'way lost' (Envy likes to try and keep up with the times… being almost 400 years old does that to some people), "You were in the damn show – and you had to read the subtitles?"

"…Wrath, you're just asking me to call the door…" Edward threatened.

"It's 'the gate'! Besides, Envy will save me, right?"

Envy was walking away, whistling incriminatingly.

"EN-" Wrath was knocked over by a figure in red, who appeared to be running for his life, as they were earlier.

"I got a bad feeling as that guy ran past," Edward told the others, still staring at the figure who, not being a particularly fast runner, was still in sight.

"Was that…" Envy mumbled, "Greed?"

"Yeeessss!" came the distant reply of the runner, probably a slower runner than I had first imagined, who didn't even turn back. Greed had been dressed as Alucard, as he already had the glasses and pointy teeth.

"Okay… why did Greed just run past? And how did he get off the island?" asked a highly puzzled Edward.

Envy shrugged, "You get used to these things…"

"Anyway," said Wrath, "what do we do now? It isn't time for the barbeque yet, and the chapter is almost over and the only other one of us we've seen is Greed."

"Oh, pick me! Pick me!" begged Envy, jumping up and down with his hand up.

Wrath sighed. "…Envy," he muttered.

"DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION!"

"Do we have a choice?" Edward whispered to Wrath. Wrath shook his head.

"YIPPEE!" cried Envy, who proceeded to skip and prance around like a pansy. Envy liked flowers and love-hearts and teddy beaugbljbblhmjk jcty, GIVE THE TYPEWRITER BACK DAMNIT PRIDE! Lufdgobwellap dkai fg9 gof65 NEVER! Jghuj ,kjy76f 534og ivl npawuk.

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Well, there you have it! Chapter 3 (the first chapter so far with no indication of what will happen next time… but it's probably safe to say that Pride will get bashed by Envy) Please review! Thanks so much to those of you who already have, and yes MrGreed, Pride will pay, and I know we don't sing badly. Lust, I'll let you do more next chapter – promise! And crazyanimefreak15, Ed is with them to spite Al, who stole Ed's pencil case. I'm so glad you liked it lilnitenurse – keep reading!

BTW! I hate not being able to write hagane no chibi san! Does anyone know what Envy calls Edward in the English series?

Thanks guys!


	4. The Carnival

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA or anyone else, in case you still haven't got the message. But never fear, someday things will be different… wait for me Envyyyyy!

The Carnival 

"I'm TIRED!" screamed Edward. They had been walking for hours, with no sign of an arcade anywhere. Envy didn't even want to play Dance Dance Revolution anymore; it was just the principle… just like that time he ate a whole chocolate cake just because Lust had told him he wouldn't be able to.

-Flash back-

"Eww!" exclaimed Lust. Envy had eaten the whole cake but was now throwing up all over the place.

"_You think that's bad?" asked Dante. "You should've seen him when he was still alive and had Mercury poisoning – he was vomiting all over my nice carpet! I couldn't wait for him to just die!"_

"_Dante!" yelled Envy._

"_Well its true…"_

"_You lousy bitch of a mother! No wonder **he** left you!"_

"_You little shit!" Dante roared. "He left because of you! You with your long hair and miniskirt…"_

"_IT'S NOT A MINISKIRT! And I didn't even look like this when he left!" Envy insisted._

"_Yeah? Well you were ugly while you were alive too!"_

"_That's because I inherited your ugly damn genes! AND I'M NOT UGLY NOW!"_

_Suddenly a rumbling could be heard. "THAT'S RIGHT!" screamed hundreds of Envy fangirls who burst onto the set to kill Dante._

-Back to the Story-

'Damn I hate flashbacks…' Envy thought. "We're almost there," he told Edward.

"I don't care!" Edward persisted. "I need to take a break," he said, sitting down. "I'm not a homunculus like you guys…"

Wrath and Envy turned to face him, "We can fix that…" they said simultaneously. By this point, they needed to kill something… anything.

"Uh, I think I'll pass…" squeaked Edward with a big sweat drop.

"Aww!" the homunculi whined.

"Besides," said Edward, "all the deadly sins are taken."

Wrath and Envy looked at each other. "You could be Lust II… or Mini-Greed!" suggested Wrath.

"Hey! We earned our names..." Wrath, Envy and Edward hadn't noticed the two walking up.

"Lust! Greed!" exclaimed Edward. "It's about time you guys found us – I can't take another second being around just Wrath and Envy!"

Said sins' eyes went watery… "We. Feel. So. Rejected," …before bursting into waterfalls.

"Well come on," said Lust. "We need to get back to the carnival as soon as possible."

"The… festival?' Edward, Wrath and Envy did the confused look accompanied by the confused double blink.

"No you idiots, are you deaf?" asked Greed. "She said the carnival."

"Oh, right," they said, as they followed Greed and Lust.

Edward poked Envy. "Hey," he whispered, "aren't you going to ask them why we have to go to this carnival?"

"WELL LOOK WHO COMES CRAWLING BACK!" Envy snarled.

Edward sighed. "Why do I bother?"

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When they arrived at the festival, "THE CARNIVAL!" oh yes, sorry, when they arrived at the carnival, Edward, Wrath and Envy were in awe. There were all sorts of pretty lights, captivating sights and striking smells filling the air.

"I can't believe it…" said Wrath, "A PONY!"

"Hmph… stupid, easily excitable kid – right guys?" said Lust.

"Lots of ponies!" Edward shouted.

"Novelty –sized hats!" Greed shouted.

"Cotton candy!" Envy shouted.

Lust sweat dropped. She knew she should have seen that coming but…

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Guys! I think there's a little girl somewhere that needs our help!" said Edward.

"Well," said Lust, "in case you haven't noticed, we're the deadly sins, we don't just go around helping little girls in distress…"

"Also," Greed added, "that was actually Envy."

"You'll bloody die for this!" came the voice once more.

"Yup," said Wrath, "definitely Envy."

They all ran up anyway. "Envy, what happened?" asked Edward. Envy was in the middle of choking the shopkeeper to death, so Edward and Lust struggled to pry him off the half-dead old man.

"Envy!" yelled Lust, still restraining the distraught homunculus, who was kicking frantically. "You can't kill any humans until we find the treasure!"

"But there's no green!" he screamed. "There's no green cotton candy…" Envy started to calm down, but he was still deeply emotionally scarred (oh! I hate hurting Envy…).

"No one ever sells green cotton candy, Envy…" said Greed.

Envy scowled. "You're lucky pink is my second favourite colour…" he muttered, settling for pink. "This is such a crappy carnival…"

"FESTIVAL! No wait, yeah, carnival – remember that!"

The five of them kept walking, Wrath, Envy and Greed were determined to go on all the happy rides but Lust ordered them to follow her, and since Envy had screamed and cursed and cried enough for the day, they just did as they were told.

"So," said Edward, "now that that idiocy is behind us, what's this treasure?"

"You want me to spoil the surprise?" smirked Lust.

"Yes, yes! Spoil the surprise! SPOIL THE SURPRISE!" demanded Greed, jumping up and down.

"Shhh! We're here," Lust whispered.

"This is a shoe shop!" said Wrath.

"Yes I know," said Lust, "these heels are killing me…"

All of a sudden, the gang were apprehended by a group of occupational therapists. "Dear God, not again!" cried Greed.

They jumped on the sins… and Edward… and tried to haul them into a suspicious-looking van, which was parked next to the shoe shop. "Let me go!" Edward demanded.

Meanwhile, somewhere far away (but not so far that he was out of hearing range)…

"What was that!…" The man yelled. "It couldn't be… merry-go-round music!"

"Colonel, can you smell that?"

"I can… OCCUPATIONAL THERAPISTS! Not now, not again!"

And back to the others…

"Who are you guys?" asked Wrath. "What do you want with us?"

A tall, dark and sinister occupational therapist stepped forward, a crooked smile on his face. "Don't play games with us, punk," he stated plainly. "Where are they?"

"We don't know what you're talking about," Lust said.

"I won't ask you again… WHERE ARE THE IMPORTED HORNED WEASELS!"

"I bet you will ask us again…" taunted Envy.

The man glared at Envy. "Yes, we probably will actually," he admitted, "but still!"

"STOP!" yelled the Colonel, running up.

"COLONEL MUSTANG!" the gang yelled.

"Roy!" yelled Greed.

"Hey Greed, wicked party that was, dude!" said Roy.

"I reckon, we all got so smashed-"

"A-HEM!" went the others.

"Oh yeah," said Roy, "don't worry, I know how to deal with occupational therapists… QUICK! LOOK BEHIND YOU!"

"Where?" the occupational therapists did look… and so did Envy.

Lust hit him over the head with a big hammer she just pulled out from behind her. "Oh, this is where we escape huh?" he figured.

They all jumped in Roy's small car and sped away…. Yes, all six of them, Edward and Wrath are very short, and even though Roy only had his P's and couldn't afford any demerits, he was still rather wasted, and didn't notice.

The occupational therapists were still looking, but sooner or later they would be in hot pursuit.

"Roy…?" said Edward. "Where are we going?"

"…To my tall house…"

Ooooooh, spooky stuff! Will the occupational therapists catch up with them? Is Roy's house really as tall as he makes it out to be? Is the barbeque finally in sight? WILL LUST FINALLY GET SOME MORE COMFORTABLE SHOES? (Damn, I ruined it didn't I? You can only ask 3 of those questions…)

PLEASE REVIEW!

Thankyou reviewers! Thanks crazyanimefreak15! I can't picture that, but I guess it just depends on how girly they made his voice… its not that girly right… RIGHT?

Thanks Lust… you know I was almost done with this chapter when I read your review anyway… but I'm sure I'll be able to respond appropriately next time, heheheh…pulls out chainsaw AND ITS NOT A SKIRT!

MrGreed… there was no need to mention how good you looked in that outfit… I'm sure all the nice readers could tell. And Roy? Well it isn't quite Sunday yet (I left that out on purpose… the barbeque will be the finale, and the length of the story depends on the reviews.. hint hint!)

Once more, PLEASE REVIEW – and if you want me to put anything into the story, just ask… there's no set plan at this stage. BYE!


	5. Roy's Tall House

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA or anyone else, its not like I don't have an imagination, I can think for myself on occasion, I'd just rather save thinking for long, boring train trips, and while annoying people try to talk to me.

Roy's Tall House 

They stared in awe as Roy's small car pulled up in the driveway. "Just as the legends said…" whispered Edward. Roy's house was the tallest in all the land… or at least with in a 3.68 km radius.

"Lets get inside," said Roy, retrieving a ring full of shiny keys from his pocket.

40 minutes later…

"Hmmm, I've tried every key but I can't seem to find the right one…" he said.

"You have one under the mat don't you, Roy?" said Greed. He'd seen too much television.

"No you fool!" said Roy. "I'm not that stupid, thieves always check under the mat…"

Edward was tired at the start of the last chapter - he was practically dying now. "So how do we get in?" he whimpered.

"Don't worry, the door's open," Roy told them. "I just wanted to show off my pretty house key…"

There was no time to hurt Roy for being an idiot, everyone just ran inside. Edward fell asleep right away on the couch, he'd been awake now for…five hours (getting tanned), another hour (practising their routine), plus half an hour (rowing), and lots more hours for all the times they were actually doing stuff… a long time.

"We'd better all go have showers…" said Lust.

"Actually I've only got one shower," Roy pointed out.

"Even better…" said Lust, with a scary sparkle in her eyes.

The others all took a step back. "Uh…Wrath?" said Greed.

"Way ahead of ya," Wrath assured him, using alchemy, courtesy of Edward, to seal her.

"Noooooo!" she shrieked, starting to vomit out the red stones inside her.

"STOP!" said Envy, walking over to the squirming homunculus, with a determined look on his regularly smug face.

"Envy… why?" asked Wrath.

"Because… we have a score to settle," said Envy. "I call…A WALK OFF!"

Long had the rivalry been, Lust against Envy, as who was truly the prettiest in a skirt. Always had it been there, lurking, waiting, deep inside the two sins, one day… today! The truth would be told! A champion would emerge, and a loser… a loser would… well, emerge too I guess.

"Cue Music!" shouted Envy.

"…"

"Roy?"

"Oh, right! Sorry…" Roy hit the play button.

We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Mer- 

"Is that the best you've got?" asked Envy, sweat dropping.

"Yeah…my, uh, others…broke."

Anyway Lust and Envy had their walk off, one incredibly scary outfit after the other. No one in the room ever wanted to see lace, buckles or sequins ever again. It just didn't stop though, they kept going and going, neither willing to give in. However, Roy had to stop them, if not for the viewing horror, for the fact that they couldn't bear to hear anymore Christmas songs.

"You have to choose, Roy," said Lust.

"Don't rush him! He knows who to choose anyway," said Envy, flicking his girly hair.

"Oh, look at the time," said Roy, "I have to pick up my dry-cleaning…" Roy scrambled for the exit, Envy would have run after him, but he couldn't in his high heels. (BTW – Envy wasn't really wearing high heels! Contrary to popular belief, he doesn't really do those sorts of things, they just add to the story : )

"#$!" cried Envy, he knew he should have won, but that wasn't enough, if the others didn't know how good he was, what was the point?

"What did he say?" Wrath asked Greed.

"I dunno… sounded like hash-star-dollar…something?"

"Well I still don't think we can seal Lust because she has to be at the barbeque…" said Envy.

"Awwwwwww!" Wrath started crying.

Envy would have normally done something mean to Wrath at this point, but he still felt guilty about kicking his sandcastle over when they were at the beach and beating him up for getting his headband dirty when he borrowed it for the convention (they changed back on their way to an arcade… much to Envy's disappointment).

"Don't worry," he said, "I've got an even better idea," Envy pulled out a chainsaw from behind his back. "Roy really shouldn't just leave these things lying around in his kitchen…"

Well, there's no need to go into details, but Envy chopped up Lust into little pieces which he then got Wrath and Greed to put into little jars and put the lids on tight.

"You know," said Greed, "I think she'll still be able to re-form."

"Not to worry – I've got this all planned out… SUPER SUPER GLUE!"

And so they super glued all the little jars shut. Envy and Wrath also tied pretty ribbons around the jars. They couldn't just leave ugly jars lying around in Roy's kitchen…

"Hey guys…" said Wrath, "Roy is gone, Edward's asleep, and we've got this whole tall house to ourselves…"

"…Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" asked Envy.

Greed smiled a very creepy smile…

"RAID THE KITCHEN!"

All three stampeded into the kitchen, pulling out all the draws and opening all the cupboards. The contents of the fridge were emptied out onto the table as was everything else they had not already eaten. They found a large bowl and wooden spoon and the stage was set. Screaming and laughing like kids at a playground, they started making the ultimate cake. Flour, mustard, sprinkles (yes…lots of sprinkles), tomato juice, steak (Roy was going to need to re-stock his kitchen for the barbeque), peas, spoons (Wrath's idea), and one and a half eggs were thrown into the bowl after which they added at least three packets of sugar. They all took turns mixing until the consistency was smooth (Envy got an A+ in Home Economics) and they chucked it in the oven for the highest temperature that was on the dial.

"Is it done yet?" asked Wrath.

"No," said Envy.

"What about now?" asked Greed.

"No," said Envy.

"Now?" asked Wrath.

"No," said Envy.

"Are you sure?" asked Greed.

Envy had to think of something to pass the time – and fast!

"I know!" he yelled, jumping up. "Let's read Roy's diary!"

"Yay!" the others agreed.

Roy wasn't coming back… but they snuck up the stairs anyway.

"Hey Envy?" said Wrath.

"What?" Envy whispered. They had come too far for Roy to catch them now… they were almost halfway up the stairs… (hey, its not that bad – it's a tall house, remember?)

"Are you really sure its not done yet?"

"YES DAMNIT! I AM ABSOLUTELY SURE IT IS NOT-"

(Long shot of roof of the tall house blowing up)

Ahhhhhhh! Roy's tall house! What will they do? I do believe this is the most dramatic cliff hanger I have ever seen! Even I'm in suspense!

PLEASE REVIEW!

Lust: Thanks for reviewing, I can't help but notice you seem to be trying to invoke Envy's wrath (note lack of capital) so here it is in this chapter! I'm sure you would have suffered the full extent of Envy's torture if you hadn't said "toodles", that's so cute!

Alexander the Unholy: …uh, I will keep going…

MrGreed: You will indeed find out how they got off the island, but it will be brief and won't make complete sense… well it might, depending on which explanation I decide on. Thanks for reviewing!

Wrath-Chan: I know, I know, Envy just wanted to make a point. I'll even but one of your Wrath T-shirts if they aren't too squished now… Also, as Wrath is my 2nd fave. character, I'll try to be nicer to him in the future, but hey – Envy's my most favourite and he cops more than any of them!

Pride: …I'll pretend I only read the 'keep on' bit… but you are Pride, so I guess it's okay that you have faith in your writing ability. Also, what do you expect from Envy? He doesn't speak that much English…

Crazyanimefreak15: Thank you! I can't believe they gave him a girly voice again though… P.S, I'm awaiting further instructions!

Toorikosu: Thanks so much! I wanted Envy to be cute in this instead of just plain creepy like most stories… he really appreciates the green cotton candy! Keep reading and reviewing!

SinxEnvy: Thankyou! I always try to update as soon as I can since I only have one story at present… so here it is!


	6. The Squirrels

**SPECIAL NOTE! **Don't forget to read The Truth Behind The Truth Behind The Barbeque! - the essential companion guide to this story! (Oh yeah, and review it too please!)

**The Squirrels**

"Rocking around, the Christmas tree, dodododo- AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Roy was back from his unexplained absence when he caught sight of the state of his house and swerved his small car into a tree. CRASH!

Once Roy was conscious again, he saw Riza standing on the doorstep.

"RIZA!" he yelled, running up to his no longer tall house. "What happened to my tall house?"

"This isn't your house," she said. "Your house is that way," she said, pointing to the sign that Roy had painted himself and stuck up outside her house which said: 'Roy's house this way' with a big arrow and smily face.

"Oh right," he said.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"#$&! $X?&# the $#$$!$H))V#!" Envy roared.

Edward, Wrath and Greed were backing off. They were all covered in ultimate cake bits, soot, and tall-house-rubble.

"Envy," said Wrath, "it's alright, Edward and I can use our alchemy to rebuild the tall house…"

Envy turned to glare at him. "You'd better be able to! If you don't, THERE'LL BE NO BARBEQUE!"

Everyone gasped.

The explosion had woken Edward up. Duh. "Alright – lets do this!" he said to Wrath, but just then he heard the tiny pitter-patter of little feet, followed by a gnawing sound. "What the…"

What was left of the tall house was being eaten by squirrels. The ultimate cake was splattered everywhere, and squirrels can smell spoons from miles away.

"Damn it Wrath!" said Greed. "The spoons were your stupid idea!"

"And now that most of the house is gone… it wouldn't be equivalent exchange…" Edward explained, glaring at the little homunculus.

"Aww, don't be so hard on Wrath," said Envy.

Edward, Greed and Wrath cocked an eyebrow, but they didn't ask for an explanation, Envy was obviously going to give one anyway.

"BECAUSE THESE SQUIRRELS ARE SO CUTE!" he cried. He reached out to pat one and we all know what happened next. However, rather than it just biting his finger, it managed to take his whole arm off. "AHHHH! Stupid, ugly bastard!" he screamed, waiting for his arm to re-form.

The squirrels now had a taste for blood. Their eyes began to glow, and they started to approach the group.

"What do we do now?" Edward asked. Sure it would be annoying for the homunculi to keep re-forming, but if the squirrels came after him…

"I know!" said Greed. The others were sceptical. "Can't you guys use your alchemy to exchange the squirrels for a tall house?"

Wrath and Edward looked at each other. "It's worth a shot…" But the squirrels were a devious bunch, and most managed to escape by the time Edward and Wrath had performed the transmutation. The result was…

"That house isn't tall enough!" said Envy. He was right, too.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"That's the jingle bell, that's the jingle bell, that's the jingle bell- AAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Roy, having gotten his car fixed, had followed the sign and when he caught sight of the state of his house and swerved his small car into a tree. CRASH!

"Wow," he said to himself, once he had again regained consciousness. He then sighted Riza standing on the doorstep.

"RIZA!" he yelled, running up to his no longer tall house. "What happened to my tall house?"

"Umm, this isn't your house," she said, nervously. "You must've missed the turn-off again, Roy."

"Really?" he said. "Well you'd better give me a kiss this time for good luck…"

"AHHHHHHHH!" screamed Riza, punching him square in the face. Roy was, for the third time this chapter, knocked unconscious.

"YOU'VE KILLED HIM!" Wrath screeched.

"Well what was I supposed to do?" Envy turned back into his normal form. Did I say normal? Well, you get the picture. "I panicked."

Edward and Greed got a stick and started poking Roy. "He's just knocked out," said Greed.

"Good," said Envy, "that should buy us some time."

But the squirrels returned – and Roy was an easy target.

"Damn it," said Edward. "What do we do?"

"I was hoping it wouldn't come to this…" sighed Envy. "We'll have to ask Dante."

Wrath and Greed cracked up. The newly re-formed (even super super glue couldn't resist an explosion) Lust cracked up also. "Yeah," laughed Greed, "go crying to mommy for help!"

"WHAT WAS THAT?" yelled Envy.

"Nothing," they chorused.

Envy sighed. "Okay then – lets go."

When they reached the mansion, Greed, who had been carrying the unconscious Roy (as no one else was tall enough) dropped him on the front step and ran inside.

"What was that all about?" Edward asked the others.

"He's probably gone to lock his room because he doesn't want you to see all his My Little Pony posters," Lust told him.

Edward laughed, "Well at least he doesn't have Barbie doll collection or anything."

"Oh $#?X!" Envy ran inside to lock his room also.

Lust and Wrath dragged Roy in, ensuring his head hit every step. Edward followed them, looking around in awe. He'd never been to the mansion before, the homunculi hadn't gotten on with him so well in the past, and they weren't quite on a dropping by each other's house basis. He'd only been in the basement, through the secret entrance connected to Roy's laundry room. Roy had never discovered it.

Greed rejoined them just as Dante entered the room. "Whoa," said Edward, "is this really Envy's mother? She's even uglier than him!" (Let's assume Edward's never actually seen her before… and he wasn't paying attention when he was locked in the basement)

"WHAT WAS THAT?" Dante screamed. The others gasped – he was really in for it now.

"Nothing…" said Edward.

"Oh," Dante said, "that's all right then." The others sighed with relief.

"NOW I SEE THE RESEMBLANCE!" Edward chimed.

"So what are you all here for?" She asked. Envy had been given a number of chores to do before she would agree to let him go to the barbeque, so she knew they wouldn't have all come back early without a reason.

"We need to know how to get rid of evil squirrels bent on world domination," Envy said, coming down the stairs.

"I didn't know they wanted to take over the world…" said Wrath.

"That's because you can't read, dumbass," Envy told him. "They were holding banners."

Dante was thinking. She did that sometimes. "Hmmm, this is serious," she said.

"Yes we know that," said Envy.

"Don't use that tone with me Envy!" Dante threatened.

As it was, Envy was the only one to ever talk back to her, as the others were scared stiff, and although for the most part he was too, he didn't want the others to think he was afraid of his mother. He didn't reply that time though.

"There seems to be only one solution," she finally said. "You must embark on a mystical journey to Bloodyhellitscold Cave – there you will find a travelling merchant. He will give you a package – don't open it though, bring it straight to me, and I'll see what I can do about these squirrels."

"Hey," said Lust, "if this guy we're looking for is a _travelling_ merchant, what makes you think he'll still be at Bloodyhel-"

Dante's glare stopped Lust in her tracks, even though if you think about it, she wouldn't have had any tracks as she was standing stil-

…

Dante's glare just stopped me in my tracks too.

"And Envy," she added, "don't forget your scarf and gloves."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Thanks for reading! This has been the longest time I've ever taken in updating but I've been busy listening to ham radio. PLEASE REVIEW!

Crazyanimefreak15: Anti-squirrel army it is!

Marty King of Wafflemen: Thankyou! Don't worry – the madness will never stop! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA (gets glared at by Dante and stops)

Lahz: Yay! It had better not be Pepsi Max…

MrGreed: I know! I tried making the ultimate cake myself just without the spoons (so the squirrels wouldn't find it) and the steak really does give it a kick!

Kai-himitsu: Thanks a bunch – poor Roy, getting interrupted from his beloved Christmas carols twice!

Spearette: Thanks – I'll keep updating as soon as I can until I get no more reviews!

Serious-klutz: ENVY'S VOICE IS NOT GIRLY! And the ribbons Envy tied were green and the ones Wrath tied were red so there! And I can understand you being familiar with 90's sitcoms – OLD WOMAN!

Nelja: Thanks for reading and reviewing – do finish it so you get to see your name at the bottom where I thank the reviewers!


	7. And so they set off

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA or any other characters or registered trademarks and such that appear in this "story".

**And so they set off**

Once they had packed some supplies for their journey, they set off for Bloodyhellitscold Cave. Gluttony was left to look after Roy, and Pride and Sloth had joined the group once again, after calling in sick with a contagious, piano-induced medical condition.

"So where is this place anyway?" Sloth asked.

"According to this map Dante drew for us, it's up North, just past Liquor Land," said Greed.

"You just drew that yourself, didn't you Greed?" Lust accused him.

"Actually, I think that is the map she drew," said Envy. "Greed only draws in crayon, or texta – I don't think he's ever held a pen in his life."

"What? How do you know that Envy?" Wrath asked.

"Well, his final exams were done in crayon, so I can't see him drawing any picture with a pen," Envy explained.

"WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MY FINAL EXAMS!" yelled Greed.

"I marked them actually – I was posing as a teacher when Dante went through that 'The Board of Studies are out to get me' conspiracy phase."

"Damn, so that's why I got such bad marks…" Greed muttered.

"No, actually you're just really damn stupid- multiple choice doesn't mean only answer the questions you choose to, which you got wrong anyway…"

"Wow, I guess you learn something new every day," said Greed.

"So we should probably catch the bus, right?" Pride asked.

"Yeah," said Edward, "it should get us to Liquor Land, and from there we'll have to walk."

So they all waited for the bus. They were there for a long time. A really long time. It was getting dark, and there was still no sign of any bus. Wrath, Greed and Pride were having a staring contest, Lust and Sloth were gossiping about all the hot people they'd killed, and Envy and Edward were playing thumb wars. Still no bus.

Wrath, who was too hyperactive to go very long without blinking, and was tired of constantly losing to his fellow homunculi, gave up, whereby he was able to discover the problem.

"Is this even the bus stop?"

The others looked at him.

* * *

At the real bus stop, they had probably already missed the last bus, so there would be much more waiting to come. They decided to play Twister. Wrath had packed the supplies, so that explains that.

"Envy, can't you just turn into a bus or something?" whined Sloth.

He didn't bother to answer – if the next spin was Left hand Red, he was a goner.

The bus finally did come, but upon seeing a bunch of strangely clad punks in bizarre positions on the side of the road, the driver felt it was in everyone's best interest not to stop.

Lust sighed. "We'd better just walk then," she suggested.

"Why walk when you can cartwheel?" yelled Envy as he started cartwheeling down the road. Wrath, Sloth and Greed followed. Pride would have too, but if anyone saw the Fuhrer cartwheeling down the road after the others, then everyone would find out that he didn't really have a piano-induced medical condition, so Lust, Edward and himself followed walking. 19 seconds later, they all stopped for a break.

"My feet hurt…" said Lust.

"You say that every few years – as if we're gonna believe you!" said Greed.

"Yeah, I guess…" Lust admitted, "I'm like the boy who cried wolf… only a girl."

"Well if you want to take it that far you didn't exactly 'cry wolf' either," Envy pointed out.

"Hey, you're right… THEN WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON! I'm so lonely…" she sobbed.

"O….K…" said the others.

So they pressed on, but upon coming across a motel, they decided it was once again time for a break. Unfortunately, they were running low on funds… that is, all the money they had was from the one pizza they had sold to Hughes. If you have read The Truth Behind The Truth Behind The Barbeque, you will have realised that the amount was nothing. Or maybe that hasn't been posted yet… either way, their only option was to work in the kitchens until they could afford a room.

"Envy," said Edward, "these stains won't come off…"

"You're supposed to WASH those plates to get the stains off, idiot!"

"Oh right…" said Edward.

-Ten seconds later-

"Envy! The stains still aren't coming off!" cried Edward.

"I ALREADY TOLD YOU – YOU HAVE TO WASH THEM!"

"Oh yeah, I forgot," said Edward, beaming.

Envy sweat dropped. Were they really related?

Meanwhile, Greed and Sloth were peeling potatoes. They were also arguing about the pronunciation.

"I'm telling you, it's PO-TA-TO!" screamed Sloth.

But Greed was adamant. "No it's not! TO-MA-TO!"

Sloth cocked her head sideways. "That's a different vegetable, Greed – you do realise that?"

"Oooooh, you mean those purple ones right?" Sloth just gave him a look, and then swapped duties with Wrath. Wrath kept cutting himself with the peeler by the way, and was sent to the children's hospital. He wasn't regenerating because it was all part of his scheme of course, it wasn't because he was just too stupid or anything… cough.

So their civil service was for naught, as they all waited in the corridor outside the emergency ward. It was then that Envy collapsed having seen all the happy paintings and colourful walls. Nothing scares a headband-wearing homunculus like a children's hospital. But there was more horror to come, as Pride hid behind the coffee machine upon remembering that his son was at this very hospital still recuperating from having his stomach pumped. How was Pride supposed to know that humans couldn't drink dishwashing detergent? It comes in such pretty colours…

"Are you all waiting for a... Wrath?" asked a nurse.

"Yes, I agree - chess is better than scrabble," said Greed.

"Uhhh," the nurse wasn't quite sure how to respond.

"You get used to it," Sloth shrugged, "but how's Wrath? Is he going to be OK?"

"He's right though, chess _is _better..." the nurse said.

"Look, is Wrath going to be OK or not?" Sloth shouted.

"I bought a birthday card," the nurse smiled at Greed.

"THERE ARE MORE OF THESE PEOPLE!" yelled Lust.

"PLEASE! Just tell me how Wrath is!" begged Sloth.

"So did I," said Greed, smiling back.

"HOW IS HE - JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH!"

"You want to know the truth?" the nurse asked, "You can't handle the truth!"

"Just...tell me, ...if Wrath's OK..." Sloth said, trying incredibly hard to refrain from killing everyone in the vicinity.

"Oh, alright then - he'll be fine, he's just in that room right th-"

Just then, a doctor barged into the room. "It's an emergency - I'm going to need all of you to help..."


	8. Medical Suspension

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA or any other characters or registered trademarks and such that appear in this tale of enchantment and blenders.

**Medical Suspension**

They were all shoved into a small room in the emergency ward and given masks and surgical tools. You see it just so happened that Envy, Sloth, Greed, Pride, Lust and Edward looked just like a team of doctors who were mysteriously missing from work that day. Yes – I did say surgical tools.

"This is gonna be sweeeet," said Envy, with one of those crooked, pointy-toothed smiles.

The gang were indeed left to save the life of a dying patient. It was Hohenheim, just in case you were wondering, but they didn't recognise him with his oxygen mask on – Envy was just excited because using surgical tools incorrectly on anyone was one of his favourite pastimes.

"What do we do? Every machine in this damn room is beeping!" said Lust, looking around for the 'off' buttons.

"I may be wrong, but I get the feeling we're supposed to be saving this guy," said Pride, trying to find some indication of just what the old man was dying of – a case in which his special eye was not proving useful.

Edward was thinking to the best of his ability…so that wasn't of much use, but Sloth had come up with an idea. "I say we read his medical record!" she suggested.

"That won't help…" said Envy, who no one had been facing at the time. They all turned and looked at where he was pointing. The clipboard to which the medical record was attached was really pretty, Victorian in design, and possibly- but that's not the point. The medical record had been scribbled all over.

"Who would have done such a thing…" said Greed very nervously, holding something suspiciously like a texta behind his back.

"Maybe we can still make out some of the information, lets see… Name: Hohenhei……..damn! The last letter has been scribbled over, I guess we'll never know who this guy is," said Edward. Lust, Greed, Sloth and Pride looked at each other, but decided not to say anything.

"Yeah," said Envy. "It sounds kinda familiar…like someone I desperately want to kill or something, but I guess we'll never know."

This time, the others couldn't help but snigger – not that they had that much of a right to, they go through their stupid phases too.

"Well why don't we just cut him apart to see what's wrong?" suggested Envy. It didn't matter what the others thought though, Envy had already taken the liberty of making a great big incision and was now poking at the guy's organs with one of those pointy instruments.

"ENVY!" the others yelled, whereby they all tried to restrain him. "Lemme go! I want the shiny thing!"

Once they had tied him up in the extension cords of the medical equipment however, they discovered what he had been talking about. "Is this…an egg beater?" asked Lust.

It was.

They carefully removed the egg beater and sewed the old man up – Sloth and Envy were professionals at sewing, the homunculi pretty much only wear their one outfit so someone has to fix them when they get torn. The designated 'someone' was Sloth, but Envy helps too because sewing reminds him of needles which remind him of pain which reminds him of inflicting pain with needles.

Their work was done – it was time to find Wrath and continue on their journey to Bloodyhellitscold Cave. There was just one problem. No wait, there wasn't. That's really odd… Oh well, they found Wrath and waited at the bus stop and the bus stopped there. Still no conflict? I don't like the sound of this…

"Seven adults to Liquor Land, please," said Envy to the bus driver whose name was Larry.

"That'll be $34.50," Larry said.

They all gulped. All they had was $10 from the doctor who paid Wrath to stop screaming every time a baby cried. "In that case," said Envy, smoothly, "seven children to Liquor Land, please."

"Then I'm gonna need to see some ID," Larry insisted. "You guys don't look like children…well, except that freaky one with suspenders and that tiny blonde guy."

Wrath got mad at being called freaky and bit Larry's leg. "I didn't choose this outfit!"

Envy got mad and punched Larry in the stomach. "This is my younger look!"

Edward got REALLY mad and kicked Larry out the window. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SMALL BEAN THAT WOULD GET LOST IN A DOLL HOUSE?"

There we go.

Larry was unconscious, so Sloth drove the bus.

The bus trip was long and boring because Sloth couldn't concentrate while they were all singing 'the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round, the wheels on the bus go round and r-' …not that I blame her. Then Greed had an idea. It was about time – we haven't had a 'Greed Idea' for a while now.

"Lets look for treasure!" he said.

"This is a bus, Greed," said Lust, "there isn't just going to be treasure lying around…well actually now that I've said that there probably will be since Envy still hasn't gotten over those skirt remarks…"

"But then again," said Wrath, "if that were the case, then you just saying that 'now…there probably will be' should also end up being wrong if Envy's still mad at you so that means there really won't be any treasure."

"That's right…" the others nodded in agreement.

"Maybe that's just what Envy wants you to think though," said Edward, and all the while Envy was sitting by and smirking at all this speculation about him while he was right there. "So in the end there really WILL be treasure," Edward concluded.

"I guess you're right," the others nodded in agreement.

"Ah, but what if this is the exact reasoning Envy anticipated all along?" suggested Pride. "Perhaps he knew we would all think that way and so he ultimately decided that there wouldn't be treasure all along."

"Yeah," the others nodded in agreement.

"Envy is so damn smart, we should all worship him for being so brilliant in every way…" said Sloth.

"Yeah," the others nodded in agreement.

"Hey wait – I didn't say that!" said Sloth, who almost crashed the bus into a 'drive safely' sign. It would have been ironic in a more normal context.

Everyone then realised that it had been Envy who had said that stuff pretending to be Sloth, and they all told him that they took back what they had said but in the end, he had just proved that he really was 'damn smart.' (Oh, how I long to end the story on this note!)

So since their previous conversation had been too confusing, they decided to look for treasure anyway. They had found old gum, a newspaper, a gold statue, some ancient gems, pirate coins, nothing really interesting…but then – "Look everyone! A microwave!"

Lust had discovered a microwave, and everyone stared in awe. Now all they had to do was find something to put in it.

"We could cook food, but using things for the purpose for which they were built doesn't sit that well with me," admitted Wrath.

"I know!" said Edward, "I knew this would come in handy – " he cried, shoving something into the microwave and setting it to full power. He was about to hit the 'start' button when he was interrupted.

"Edward…" said Lust, "please tell me you didn't just put in the blender we got from Hohenheim!"

"HOHENHEIM?" screamed Edward and Envy, who bumped the 'start' button in their surprise.

"NO! When you put metal in a microwave it exp-"

BOOM!

And yet another explosion of an ending, I'm obsessed. A giant special thankyou to my reviewers – its killing me not being allowed to actually respond to you anymore but just know if you ever need a kidney or anything, I'm here. Pretty please with sugar on top REVIEW or Envy will uber break dance you to death (I love that avatar…) Also, if you really are in need of some organ now its not too late to start reviewing. Love, enVii.


	9. Can't think of decent title!

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA, Liquor Land etc. I don't own anything - seriously? How many times do I have to keep saying that?

**Bloodyhellitscold Cave at last!**

When they awoke, the six sins and Edward found themselves in an unknown place. Everything was dark, so they couldn't even check the map to see where they were.

"Damn…we didn't get to go to Liquor Land…" mumbled Greed.

"BLOODY HELL IT'S COLD!" yelled Envy.

"Yes, I know," said a mysterious tour guide who appeared from behind a corner holding a candle. "Why the hell do you think it's called Bloodyhellitscold Cave, genius?"

Envy glared at her. "I didn't make the association with the apostrophe being left out, so excuse me for YOUR bad grammer," he said.

"Uh, Envy?" said Wrath, "you spelt grammar wrong…"

"Shut.Up…" said Envy through the corner of his mouth. "Hey wait! How the hell did you know how I spelt it? I'm talking!"

"Uh oh," said Wrath, who ran further into the cave.

"Oh no you don't!" Envy yelled, and started chasing him, "I wanna see the script!"

"According to the script, you don't get to see it!" Wrath called back.

Everyone else joined the chase, half needed to protect Wrath for when Envy caught up with him, half just wanted to watch, and the other half followed mindlessly. I've always been good with fractions.

The mysterious tour guide was getting annoyed. "I'm the tour guide – you don't know where you're going!"

"We'll find our way – we have the script!" Greed called back.

"What! Don't you all want to know my true identity and everything?" she yelled after them.

There was no answer.

Everyone had bumped into many a wall and broken many a limb since it was so dark but finally they caught a glimpse of light.

"Are you…" said Sloth.

"…the travelling merchant?" Pride finished.

The figure was holding a flashlight under his chin. "Ooooh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?" he taunted.

The gang looked at each other – that was just plain weird. "Uh, yeah, we would actually," said Edward, "we have to find this travelling merchant guy to save the world from squirrels."

"Mwahahahahahahahahaha!" the figure laughed. "In that case I shall help you, for it was those fiend-like demons who chewed a hole in my favourite pair of slippers."

"Well, good," said Lust, who just wanted to get the hell out of there.

"You may take this package," he said, "but only after you fulfil this quest for me…"

"We don't really have time for a quest just now, we've got a barbeque to go to and all…" Envy explained.

"Oh, alright then, well how about you just solve this riddle for me then?" the merchant offered.

"Nah, c'mon – I'm really not in the mood for riddles, can't you just give us the package?" asked Envy.

"HOW MUCH EASIER DO YOU WANT THIS TO GET?" screeched the merchant. "Now, what has four legs, barks like a dog, and eats dog-food?"

They all huddled together. "I know I know! It's a dog, right?" whispered Edward.

"No Edward, there has to be some sort of trick to it…" Pride told him.

"Ohhhh, I geddit!" Edward winked at them. "IT'S A DOG!" He yelled to the merchant.

They smacked their palms against their foreheads.

"Damn – you're right!" said the merchant, filling it in on his crossword puzzle. "I'd been stuck on that one for twenty-seven years!"

"Okay, I've really had enough of this nonsense – can we have the package now please?" Lust asked the merchant.

So he gave them the package and they found their way back out of the cave by teaching FLASH to Wrath.

"Well now that we're out, how do we get back to Dante's?" Sloth asked.

"I don't know…we exploded our way here so I don't even know where we are," said Pride.

"We could just wander around until we find a cab or something," suggested Wrath, but it started raining so no one was too keen on wandering around and getting soaking wet.

"Don't worry – I brought umbrellas," said Lust, pulling seven umbrellas out of her handbag. The others cocked an eyebrow. "I stole it from Mary Poppins," she explained, "how else would I be able to carry my collection of safety scissors around with me? And look stylish at the same time, that is."

Upon hearing the word 'stylish' and after getting over the fact that Lust had a safety scissors collection, Envy started envying the handbag, but didn't say anything – he was still too busy marvelling at the fact that he knew what to do and the others didn't. "Isn't it obvious?" he asked, "if we exploded our way here…"

…………………………

"Excuse me," Greed asked the mysterious tour guide, "would you happen to have a microwave we could borrow?"

…………………………

When Envy awoke, he found himself in his own bed. Had it all just been a dream? No – his dreams usually involved massacres and desserts, although he wouldn't have been that surprised if the story had ended so cheaply. A giant hole in his roof, five other homunculi and one short alchemist lining his floor proved it had not been a dream. "WHAT THE F-"

"Envy!" yelled Dante, bursting through the door, "Don't swear!"

Everyone got up slowly, still recovering from being in Envy's room, and Lust gave Dante the package she had put in her handbag to protect from the explosion.

"I'm still surprised that actually worked," said Sloth.

"And I'm surprised that I'm actually still alive!" said Edward.

Dante examined the package. "Good, you heeded my warning and didn't open it," she said, relieved.

"Actually we just forgot we weren't supposed to or we probably would have," said Wrath. Envy kicked him.

"Now lets see," Dante said, opening it carefully. "YES!"

They all stared. "You put us through all that….for SKIN CREAM?" yelled Greed.

"Hey it's not that bad…" said Lust and Envy, eyeing the skin cream with wide eyes.

"Yes," said Dante, "I just couldn't be bothered to go pick it up for myself…I actually have no idea what you should do about the squirrels."

They were all getting really mad now, and Roy and Gluttony walked in.

"You guys got the skin cream yet?" Roy asked.

"YOU KNEW?" they all screamed, before realising that Roy wasn't aware of what tragedy had befallen his tall house at the hands of squirrels with aspirations of world domination.

"What did you think you guys were going to get?" he asked.

"Nothing…" they said, and all started whistling and walking away. But then they heard a knocking at the door.

"Alright, alright, I'll get it," muttered Envy, after everyone had stared at him.

He opened the door and his mouth dropped open…

Well well, what have we here? Thanks for your reviews guys, Lahz figured out my organ plan so that offer is unfortunately gone now, but please review anyway – I'm aware of my shameful update speed but according to my guidance counsellor, my final exams take precedence. The only reason I got to update at all is because I'm sick and confined to my room. Anyway, have fun and watch out for squirrels - they travel between dimensions to gather all the different types of biscuits in existance. REVIEW!


	10. Ultimate Attempt at Making a Plan

Disclaimer: Still not mine, after…how long? About 2 months – something must be wrong here…

**The Ultimate Attempt to Make a Plan**

"Hi everyone!" said Hohenheim.

"What are you doing here?" everyone asked him…except for Envy. He had fainted again.

"Well I kinda just needed somewhere to hide out until those occupational therapists give up looking for me," he replied.

"They're after you too?" asked Greed, the only one who wasn't still gaping and sweat-dropping that Hohenheim had just turned up out of the blue. Well, not so much out of the blue – he came from outside, but that's not the point.

"Yeah – we have to stop them before they rally enough imported horned weasels to destroy the world," said Hohenheim, now pacing in a circle.

"I thought you said we could just wait for them to give up looking for you?" said Wrath.

"…Well I've changed my mind," said Hohenheim, "but it's not like there's any rush or anything – they might never gather enough to destroy the world…it's more of a precaution."

"Ooooh! So I'll still have time to pick up my dry-cleaning before we go?" said Roy.

"Actually that reminds me," said Hohenheim, "when I drove past your house on my way here it just didn't seem as tall," everyone tackled Hohenheim and tried to cover his mouth but it was too late.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO MY TALL-"

Roy was cut off as Envy finally got up. "HOHENHEIM!" he yelled.

"Hey kiddo, what's up?" Hohenheim said, knocking the others off him.

"Oh nothing – nothing at all," said Envy, "except that you totally abandoned me and missed my school talent show and never showed up at the father son picnic!" he screeched, turning, crossing his arms and pouting.

"Oh shut up, Envy," said Edward, "the same thing happened to me and Al."

"Oh yeah? Well get this – he never even took me fishing!" Envy screamed.

"Really, never?" everyone asked.

"Never," said Envy, bursting into tears.

"Awwww!" everyone hugged Envy.

"Ahem!" went Hohenheim, but everyone was still too busy hugging Envy. "As I was saying – according to the legends, occupational therapists are supposed to have only one weakness:"

No one was listening. "Poor Envy!" said Sloth, "I know – how about I bake you a nice pie?"

"No I want to bake him a pie!" yelled Lust and Dante.

"And he can even have my special military silver watch!" said Roy.

"NO! He can have MY special silver military watch!" said Edward.

"NO WAY! He can have MY special silver military watch!" said Greed.

"You don't even have one!" yelled Roy.

"ALL OF YOU SHUT UP!" Hohenheim demanded. "The occupational therapists have only one weakness!"

"Old age?" asked Wrath.

"NO NOT OLD AGE YOU FOOL!" Hohenheim yelled. "It's-"

"Everyone gets old sometime, you know…" said Wrath.

"JUST LISTEN!" Hohenheim was losing his patience. And his hair. He had a receding hairline, not because he was stressed though, he was just getting old. I just thought I'd point that out. "Their only weakness is being stabbed through the heart with a 4B pencil!"

"But no one uses 4B pencils," said Wrath.

"I'm really getting sick of you," Hohenheim grumbled.

"I have a HB!" smiled Greed.

"No! It has to be 4B," Hohenheim insisted.

"Well la de da…" said Greed, "excuse me for breathing!"

"Look," said Hohenheim, "we just need to lure them in and destroy them so we can forget about all of this and get to the barbeque!"

"Hey – who invited you?" asked Roy, "isn't it my barbeque?"

"No, it's mine," said Greed.

"Oh, okay," said Roy.

"Greed! It is Roy's barbeque – you need to learn to tell the difference between real life and your imagination," said Lust.

"So it is my barbeque?" asked Roy.

"That's what they want you to think…" said Hohenheim.

"YOU LIE!" said Roy, getting ready to click.

"Bring it on!" yelled Hohenheim.

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" yelled Dante, breaking them up. The others booed and threw popcorn at her. "Stop it! If we sort out the occupational therapists now we can even take bets later," she explained.

"But we don't know how to lure them in," Edward pointed out.

"Unless…" said Roy, "does anyone know where those imported weasels are actually imported from?"

"Ebay?" suggested Pride.

Envy disagreed. "No – I bet they come from-"

"Good idea, Pride," said Dante, "we'll go check Ebay now!"

"But-"

"Quiet Envy – Pride might have something else to say," said Hohenheim.

"What?" said Envy, "Just a minute ago I was getting all the attention…"

"So you had your turn, now shut up while we all tell Pride how great he is," said Lust.

This wasn't sitting well with Envy. He started hyperventilating but managed to calm down a little by taking out his anger on a nearby calendar. "Your days are numbered!" he told it. Sad, Envy. That was really sad.

Anyway they found imported horned weasels on Ebay but Hoho-papa's credit card had expired. "What? You all know I have trouble keeping track of time!"

"So that's why you always burnt the cookies…" Dante figured.

"Uh, yes…they always got…burnt," he said, eyes shifting with cookie crumbs on his shirt.

"So we can't order the weasels?" asked Edward.

"Nope," Hohenheim told him.

"I can do a weasel–call," offered Greed.

Pride shook his head. "It has to be an imported horned weasel–call, but maybe we could-"

"I CAN DO AN IMPORTED HORNED WEASEL–CALL!" yelled Envy.

"Shut up Envy! Pride was talking!" Dante roared.

"Maybe we should hear Envy out," said Pride.

"Thankyou Pride," said Envy, "and tell Dante she can put that in her pipe and smoke it!"

"Actually Envy, maybe you should have a little more respect for your –"

Envy interrupted Pride. "Dante, could you tell Pride I couldn't give a stuff what he thinks?"

"Envy, aren't I the one you aren't talking to at the moment?" asked Dante.

"Hohenheim," said Envy, "tell Dante she's a terrible parent."

"Wow," said Hohenheim, "I thought that after everything I was the one you thought was a terrible parent."

"Wrath," said Envy, "tell Hohenheim I'm not talking to him…and tell Greed he stinks too."

"HEY!" yelled Greed.

Just then the whole house began to shake. "It couldn't be…" said Edward.

The door was kicked in.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Roy.

"IMPORTED HORNED WEASEL INVASION!" screamed Dante.

"And even worse – " Roy cried, "we're out of chilli sauce!"

* * *

We're ridiculously close to the end now, but does that mean there actually will be a barbeque soon? DOES IT?

Edward: How would I know? Why are you asking me?

Me: Just because I'm pointing at you doesn't mean I'm talking to you, Chibi-Chibi…

Anyway, please review, and all donations will go towards buying your favourite Colonel some more chilli sauce!


	11. Follow the Greeder

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist because Hiromu Arakawa came up with it before I did.

**Follow the Greeder**

The imported horned weasels had surrounded the house, and their leader along with his bodyguards had just kicked down the front door. He scanned the room, and finally said: "Where is the one you call 'Roy?'"

Everyone looked at Roy.

"Umm, that's him there," Roy said, pointing at Greed.

"HEY!" yelled Greed.

"Ah – that be the one you must enslave, my trusty minions! Bring forth yonder human, so that vengeance might finally be mine!" The imported horned weasel leader ordered.

The other weasels just looked at him, blankly.

"Fools…" he mumbled, "GET HIM!"

The savage beasts started attacking Greed. Things were not looking good, so Envy refrained from taking a photo. Greed was screaming, the leader of the imported horned weasels was laughing like the deranged psychopath he was, and everyone else was just watching, but then they heard the doorbell.

"Man, I love doorbell music," said Greed, who was half dead and three quarters unconscious having forgotten about his ultimate shield-ness.

Roy went to answer the door, which had been kicked down but still…

"I have a package for a Mr Colonel Roy Mustang – is he here just now?" said the delivery boy.

"That would be me," said Roy, and all of the weasels stopped to stare at him. Edward gestured for him remember that the weasels were after him, and that he would have to come up with a way of fixing what he had just said if he didn't want to be eaten alive by the rabid animals. That was some gesture…too bad this story is only in writing or you'd have been able to see it. Anyway, "…um, I mean, that would be me…who will sign for it in his place?"

The weasels weren't completely satisfied that he wasn't Roy, so Edward explained that English wasn't his first language, after which they shrugged and went back to attacking Greed.

Meanwhile, Roy opened his package. "Wow! Some nice reader donated to get me some more chilli sauce!"

Getting back on track, Greed had been bound and was completely immobile. "It looks like a draw," he said, "you guys are lucky I went easy on you!"

"Silence, 'Roy', we shall now take you to our hidden lair to be sacrificed to our mighty Cupboard Lord!" said the leader of the imported horned weasels.

"NOOOO! I'm scared of cupboards!" cried Greed.

"Oh – the humanity!" cried Edward, after which the homunculi glared at him. "Uhh, oh – the homunculus…ity?"

"All hail the mighty Cupboard Lord," chanted the imported horned weasels.

"You know what?" said Greed.

The leader was confused. "No – tell me! C'mon, please? I want to know!"

Greed chuckled. "It sounds like you've got yourselves a plan there, but I have a better idea."

"Uh-oh," went the others.

"Why don't we raise the stakes – we'll play a one on one game of basketball and whoever gets ten points first gets a 5 second head start for the 200m swimming race we'll have BUT NO FREESTYLE OR BACKSTROKE, and the winner of that gets first choice of which form of public transport they're going to use for our following race of who can get from Dublith to East City first and if you win, you can sacrifice me to your Cupboard Lord-"

"All hail the mighty Cupboard Lord," chanted the imported horned weasels.

"Yes," said Greed, "and if I win, ie. if Envy wins-"

"WHAT?" yelled Envy.

"You're in better physical condition than me," Greed explained.

"Oh," said Envy, "well I guess I can't argue with that reasoning…" he said, finding himself a mirror, gazing into it and sighing with admiration.

"If Envy wins," Greed continued, "not only do I get to go free, but you have to go get me a caramel sundae from McDonalds wearing a dress – and that's via the front entrance, not the drive-through!"

"Let me think about that," said the leader, "uhh…NO!"

"CRAP!" said Greed.

All of the imported horned weasels assembled at the doorway, carrying Greed with them. "And now," said the leader, "we shall take Roy to be painfully sacrificed to our mighty Cupboard Lord!"

"All hail the mighty Cupboard Lord," chanted the imported horned weasels…and Edward.

Lust elbowed him.

"WHAT? It's catchy," he said.

They started carrying Greed away. "NOOOOO!" he yelled, "Anything but the Cupboard Lord!"

"Hmmm, how about the Really Big and Dangerous Machine Gun Lord then?" offered the leader of the imported horned weasels.

Greed paused. "…I think I'll stick with the Cupboard Lord."

Soon Greed and the last of the weasels were out of sight. Well, a normal person's sight, anyway. Pride could probably still see them. Either way, Roy was starting to feel guilty, and drank the chilli sauce to comfort himself.

"Maybe we should have actually done something to help…" said Wrath.

"NEVER FEAR!" said Winry, appearing in a puff of smoke.

"Why? Are you going to hit me if I do?" Wrath asked.

"Foolish humans!" she laughed. Everyone stared, confused. "Don't you see?"

"I do! I do!" said Pride, with pride, "I have a special eye!" He started looking at things to show off.

Winry sweat-dropped. "I put a tracking device on Greed when no one was looking – so now all we have to do is follow the signal and we can save him from certain cupboard-ly death!"

"All hail the mighty Cupboard Lord," chanted Edward. Envy hit him in the back of the head. "Ow! Alright, alright I'll stop doing that!"

Winry disappeared in another puff of smoke and all that was left behind was the little thing where you see the signal from the tracking device.

* * *

Edward: You sure you don't want me to beta this story for you? 

Envy: YES I'M SURE!

* * *

"So lets see here," said Sloth, picking up the device…probably just because she hasn't done anything for a long time, "…they've stopped moving, but I don't know where this place is." 

Dante and Hohenheim had a look too.

"Nope – I've never heard of this place before," said Dante.

Hohenheim had a distant look on his face, for he knew the place well…that is, he'd seen it in a holiday pamphlet one time. "That, my friends, is-"

"We're not your friends!" said Lust, "I thought that we had established that none of us liked you in the last chapter!"

"Chapter?" said Hohenheim.

"No-nothing!" she said, a little too quickly.

"Well anyway, that is Australia."

Envy was shocked. "Australia? We're following Greed all the way to Australia? It's not like we really like him anyway – just let it go!"

"We have to find him – all of those horned weasels gathered in one place? They'll totally attract the occupational therapists who we'll be able to get rid of once and for all!" said Hohenheim.

"With the 4B pencils, right?" scoffed Wrath.

Hohenheim glared at him. "Why are you so opposed to going to Australia anyway, Envy?"

"I just have a really bad feeling about this…"

* * *

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! With good reason Envy, with good reason! –is currently planning a "welcome" for our friends- 

PS – I'm going to extend the story (the weasels were previously just going to sacrifice Greed somewhere nearby) because it's just too hard to let it go! (my first other than Namu and the Special Deer…which is more WTF? than story) A special, cupboard-ful thankyou to all readers and reviewers! PLEASE REVIEW! Please? Envy will probably sell you for child/adult labor if you don't. (Really, it's happened before)


	12. The Conspiracy the rest won't fit

**Disclaimer:** I, the almighty (to a small extent) enVii, (okay, okay, to NO extent) hereby declare that I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or any other copyrighted…things. None at all……………..DON'T LISTEN! I'm only saying this at gunpoint – it's not- (a loud BANG is heard…)

**The Mysterious Person Who Isn't Me Conspiracy **

"Great – just great! Now that our boat's been eaten by sharks we're stuck on an island again!" spat Edward.

"Yeah, what are we supposed to do now?" asked Lust.

Envy simply smirked. "Learn from the master," he said, pausing for a moment before clicking his fingers.

At that very moment, a rescue blimp came to land on the island.

Roy decided to give it a try, but his clicking only resulted in setting the island ablaze. "Damn," he said.

The door to the blimp swung opened and a figure leaned out. "Hurry – get in!"

They didn't hesitate.

Once they were all safely inside, it was time for the explanation. "Envy!" yelled Dante, "How did you make that happen?" she asked, on behalf of all the others.

"Let's just put it like this – the fangirls saw me in danger, the fangirls came to rescue me with a blimp."

"What do you mean 'let's just put it like this'?" asked Edward, "That's exactly what happened so how could you have put it any other way?"

"I don't know…I could've added robots or something."

"So who are you?" Lust asked their mysterious saviour.

"Ummm, ahhhh…" said the pilot, taking off her hat with all the corks hanging off and adjusting her mask so that they wouldn't be able to discover her identity, "just…no one in particular!"

"Say," said Wrath, "is that a 'Namu and the Special Deer 4 eva!' badge you're wearing?"

Roy squinted, "So wait a second – does that mean you're…"

"NO! YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG!" and with that she jumped out the window.

"But you don't have a parachute," said Hohenheim.

All of a sudden she had a parachute and drifted down safely.

"Who has the power to make parachutes appear and gain blimp-piloting skills all of a sudden when they're obviously not really qualified?" asked Edward. "OH! Now I get it……no wait, I don't get it at all."

"That reminds me," said Envy, "now that we don't have a pilot we're plummeting to our doom!"

"I hate plummeting to my doom," said Lust, "it's just one of those things that I hate."

"Can't you do alchemy or something?" Sloth asked Wrath, Edward, Hohenheim and Dante.

"WHY DIDN'T ANYONE ASK ME?" asked Roy.

"Well can you?" asked Wrath.

"…maybe………..no," he hung his head in shame.

"Still plummeting here…" Envy reminded them.

"Don't worry," said Hohenheim, "hitting the ground after falling this far would result in extremely graphic, violent, bloody deaths – and this is rated 'T', so somehow we're not going to die!"

"How did you know it was rated 'T'?" asked Edward.

"The screen of course," he said, pointing to the computer screen at the pilot's seat.

"This is the script! So that means that girl really was-"

Luckily, but not unexpectedly, the blimp landed in the sea, just off the coast.

"We're alive!" yelled Edward, but the sins were glaring at him. "Well…sort of."

"So let's hurry up and get to shore so we can find Greed and go home," said Envy.

"Nah," said Wrath sarcastically, "we won't hurry up because we're all just enjoying being stuck out at sea on this crazy adventure…"

"Well it looks like Roy is," said Envy.

Sure enough, Roy was tormenting small fish and splashing around happily. "I love to swim!" he sang, until he remembered that he couldn't. "AHH! I don't have my floaties! I need my floaties!" he screamed, and started clinging on to Wrath for dear life.

"Can't…breathe!" cried Wrath, who was far too small and ended up being dragged under the water along with Roy.

Just in time, the surf lifesavers turned up and saved them all. "Remember to swim between the flags next time, dudes," they said.

"Uhh, in case you didn't notice, we just crash-landed from a blimp…" said Wrath.

"Hey wait – how could you possibly NOT notice? We were still clinging on to it when you rescued us!" said Dante.

"Well…" said the surf lifesavers, "…RUN!" they yelled to each other and off they ran.

"There's something fishy going on here," said Edward.

"Sorry," Roy said, smelling his uniform. "But you know what? I don't think they were real lifesavers at all…"

Everyone did the anime fall.

"Has Roy always been this stupid?" asked Lust.

"Only since Greed got taken away – we were missing that major stupidity aspect," Edward explained.

"Colonel Stupidity!" said Roy.

"Listen," said Lust, "does anyone have any ideas as to how we find Greed now?"

"I think it's more important that we find shelter for the night," said Hohenheim, "if we don't want to be eaten alive by killer wallabies, that is."

(enVii: maybe not killer…but we did have to run from them at camp…or was that just from murderers? I don't remember…)

"But who would let a bunch of strangers like us stay at their house?" asked Edward.

"Who wouldn't?" said Envy, adjusting his hair.

Just then a limousine pulled up next to them. "Are you the 'FMA gang'?" asked the driver.

"Leave this to me," Roy whispered to the others, "Yes…yes we are…" he told the driver, very suspiciously with his eyes shifting from side to side.

"You don't have to act like that you dimwit!" said Sloth, "WE REALLY ARE THE FMA GANG!"

"Nice work there, Sloth," Roy whispered to her, "you're a natural."

"Well," said the driver, "someone's willing to let you bunch of strangers stay at their house."

"Yes…yes of course they are…" said Roy even more suspiciously. "You're doing great," he whispered to the driver.

"…?"

"ROY!" yelled Envy.

"Don't worry – I can handle him," Roy told Lust. "Listen Envy, I don't know what you think is going on here but I can assure you you've got it all wrong…"

"ROY – Envy is on our side! In fact, there are no sides! Stop acting like this is some sort of under-handed scheme!" yelled Lust.

"Not to worry," Roy whispered to Envy, "we can knock her off at the next pit-stop if it looks like she's coming to close to the truth…"

They all got in the limo, and for the rest of the journey Roy's mouth was duct-taped shut.

"Soooooo," said Dante, "by the by, who's house ARE we going to?"

"Well," the driver answered, "we're going to the house of- OH! I LOVE THIS SONG!" he yelled, turning up the radio.

"Hey!" said Envy, "We want ans- OOH! I LOVE THIS SONG TOO!"

"My loneliness…is killing me!" they all sang.

"And I!" added Hohenheim.

"I must confess – I still believe!"

"I still believe!" added Edward and Envy.

"WAIT WAIT WAIT!" yelled Lust, "why do we keep ever-so-conveniently being stopped from finding out who this mysterious person is?"

Everyone had stopped to hear her out but then the big line came. "HIT ME BABY ONE MORE – AHHHHHHHHHHH!" The driver had gotten so into the song that he had closed his eyes – causing them to crash.

* * *

enVii: It's almost BBQ time - but first, WHO WILL SURVIVE THE CRASH? You'll never guess! 

Roy: All of us, right?

enVii: O.o Well at least none of you know who the mysterious person is! -hides mask and incriminating disguise outfit-

Roy: Hey – where'd you get that 'Namu and the Special Deer 4 eva!' badge?

enVii: IT WASN'T ME I SWEAR!

Roy: You must have got it at the same place as that mysterious person!

enVii: …uhh…yes of course…

This has been an enVii-corp production – enVii is a proud member of-

Pride: heheh…proud…

A-hem! As I was saying, enVii is a proud member of EAECCIASWIBY (pr. ee-chi-a-swee-bee), 'Ed And Envy Can Co-exist In A Story Without It Being Yaoi' - JOIN TODAY!


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